Have you ever had one of those nights when you go so balls out that you can’t even remember where you put your balls in the morning? I had the ultimate sinful experience one night in Bangkok that will make me burn in hell for at least 1,000 years. And then I had another…
The night started out simple: me and Aaron went to meet up with some friends and check out Patpong, the infamous stripper/prostitute district of Bangkok. This was the area where old men, soldiers, and rich dudes on business went to wet their whistle and get down and dirty with a small Thai woman. I have always been intrigued by the sex industry, like most people I’m sure. I showed up at the street drunk and wearing a short dress, so I should have expected trouble. We stumble into our first strip club and have to order drinks. The name of the place was Super Pussies, no joke. I saw things I never wanted to see. Women who can smoke with their pussies, shoot darts, shoot ping pongs, even take razor blades out of there. NASTY!! But being the drunken idiot I become with too much whiskey and beer, somehow I made it up on stage with the ladies. They swarmed me like a pack of bees and before I knew it they pulled down my top so I flashed my friends. I took this girl’s bikini top off and put in on to cover…well, it only really covered my nipples. When I covered my chest they lifted up my dress to reveal my little booty to everyone. ACKWARD. Hopefully my mom never reads that.
I decided my career in stripping was over because my boobs were real, and the strippers looked like they were gonna eat me. After I hopped down from the stage the stripper wanted her top back. I was NOT about to hand that thing over…man the stories I could tell with that thing…I stole it from a hooker, at Patpong, after I attempted to pole dance and flashed my boobs to all my friends. She kept asking me and I wouldn’t budge. After awhile I started to just tell her she looked better with it off and she’d make more money that way. She was trying to charge me like…$6 for that thing, and I wasn’t having it. Being as wasted as I was I leaned in all close to say something when I was smoking a cigarette and burned her in the face. Yeah I said it, I burned the stripper in the face. On accident of course, but boy did she get mad. I stumbled my way out of there somehow and vowed never to return again.
Maybe a month later some people were visiting my friend Tracy and she wanted to take them to Soi Cowboy and Patpong. I was in because, shit why not? Soi Cowboy is like Patpong but slightly classier. Again I was wasted before we got there. We had to leave Soi Cowboy early on because I stole one of the signs from a club with a list of all the dirty things girls will do and the prices. They got mad. Off to Patpong we went, this time I knew to avoid Super Pussies. We ended up in some other awesome places, and somehow I stubbed my toe and it started bleeding. Being wasted I knew there was nothing I could do about it. My friend Stephen and I got lost from the group at one point and we were led to “the best place on the street” which consisted of an old, fat Thai woman shaking her ass on stage. I ordered a beer and directly afterwards I stood up and ran (yes I ran, I ran so far away) down the street. I found some street kittens and proceeded to play with them. Some guy from the bar ran after me and was like, “you just ordered a beer and left, you need to pay for that.” I just looked at him, pet the kitties, looked at him, pet the kitties. Eventually he just left. Stephen found me a minute later happily playing with the kitties. He was like, “What the fuck, that guy ran after you, what did you say?” I told him I didn’t say anything except for “KITTIES!” Somehow the guy understood that I was too wasted to do anything. Another genius moment in the life of drunk me.
Somehow we wandered back to our friends. I wanted to take a kittie home, but Stephen brought up a good point—where the fuck would I keep it? And it would shit EVERYWHERE. Not cool. We ended up at some bar/club place where we met some girl who was celebrating her birthday. At some point we made-out so I decided to follow her to the next club. Everyone else was leaving, but Stephen, being the good boy to have around when I’m wasted, decided to come with me. Aaron decided to stay too, and we all ended up at this small club/strip house/whatever after hours. All I remember is black lights, making out with everyone and I mean everyone, and drinking right up until we left. Apparently I spilled an entire beer on Aaron and then took off his shirt and put it in my purse. My excuse? “You look better with it off!” I’m a classy ho.
The next morning, or should I say afternoon, I awoke to Stephen pounding on my door. Apparently we hadn’t gone to our first class at 9 (which I never went to and still got an A) and we were gonna be late for our next class which started at 1:30pm. I rushed to put clothes on, but because I was still drunk everything was in slow mo and I couldn’t help falling everywhere. At one point Aaron and Stephen opened my door and I was standing there in a skirt and my bra brushing my teeth…it had been a half hour and I still hadn’t gotten my shit together. When we got to class I was SMASHED still. Stephen was too, so we sat together. Bad idea. We spent the entire time laughing hysterically about the night before. And the class was only 20 people, so the teacher could see us.
At break I went to the bathroom with Tracy. She asked me about the rest of the night and I gave her some graphic details. I told her about how I made out with EVERYONE while I was peeing. I thought she was peeing next to me, but I found out it was my Thai language teacher…whoops. I went back to class and Stephen and I laughed about that and my bleeding toe.
A couple days later this guy in my class goes, “Are those shoes too big for you?” And I was like, what the fuck? But then I actually looked at them and they were too big, actually they weren’t my shoes at all. Apparently at a party I had accidently walked off with his pair of brown Rainbows. A few days later I fucking busted my big toe and bled all over them. I asked if I could buy him new ones because the blood stain was pretty nasty, but he said no. I got my shoes back, no stain…kinda the best way to end that whole story right?
Thankfully I didn’t end up in Patpong again. I don’t think the street could have handled me another time. Who knows, I probably would have given up college to be a stripper. I mean, who doesn’t want to learn how to shoot darts out of their vag?
